“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.” Interlude We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you. Hear my prayer, O Lord ! Listen to my cries for help! Don’t ignore my tears. For I am your guest— a traveler passing through, as my ancestors were before me. (Psalms 39:4-7, 12 NLT)
My dreams and visions for my life have changed over the years. For example, when I was 18 I believed I would be married by the time I was 26 with a family. I would have gone to ministry school or bible school of some sort, I thought I would be working on staff at a local church full time, and I never would've thought I would be living in Syracuse, NY.
Looking back on those last 8 years I am astounded how fast time has traveled. It seems like just yesterday I was living in Ohio interning at a church and making plans to go to school. 8 years later I am in New York volunteering at a local church and making plans to go back to school.
I'm not sure if it could be classified as the arrogance of the young or the tenacity of the dreamer, however I have often allowed opportunities and people, especially people to slip in and out of my life believing one day the perfect person, the perfect job, the perfect everything would cross my path. Observing the last eight years I would be lying if I didn't admit I was a bit regretful for the people I've allowed slip out of my life along with the dreams I never had the courage to chase.
In my head I guess I assume I will live to see 100. It's challenging to believe I don't have another 74 years ahead of me. Another 74 years to chase those dreams, another 74 years to hang out with the people I call friends, another 74 years to lead people to Jesus, another 74 years to spend with the woman I love, whomever she may be. I've been alive for 26 years and I've had almost no near death experiences in my life so why would I assume my life could end tomorrow? However, the bible says we are but dust in the wind. Or was that the band Kansas? Either way, it's true. Like Psalms 39 says "You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand."
As I write this post I don't have the typical regretful feelings that one has when they've lost a loved one. When my Papaw died a few years ago I was regretful. I wished I'd spent more time with him, wished I listened a little longer when he played some classical music for me on the stereo, wished I'd called him more often when I moved to New York. That's not exactly how I feel right now. I feel cheated, more or less. I've cheated myself. I've somehow come to the conclusion that I am not worthy enough to chase my dreams, not worthy enough to be truly happy, not worthy enough to move on. Those are crippling thoughts and feelings. Those feelings will keep you holding on to the comfortable people and things in your life praying nothing ever changes. It's very easy, almost too easy, to confuse living life to the fullest with living life to the fullest within your comfortable and safe box.
Do I have regrets? Sure I do. However, I won't allow my self to become hindered with the thoughts of what I could've said or done differently. Instead I will embrace this renewed perspective and not allow myself to cripple my dreams, my life, my love, and my happiness because I think it's too late. Life is short, shorter than we know, it's time to start living that way and embracing my dreams.
So cheers to the future, however unknown it may be.
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