Judging other people seems to be one of the easiest things to do in life. It's almost like it becomes our first instinct to judge other people in just about every single area of their lives. We make judgements every single day about everything and almost everybody we encounter. While turning out of a parking lot we pause to judge if we have enough time and space to pull out or if we should wait for the car to pass. For those of you who've had the privilege of driving with me you know my policy is always to pull out*. The point is our everyday lives are filled with making judgements.
I've noticed in my own life, and in the lives of a lot of people surrounding me, how often we judge others. I'll adjust the language and say how I judge other people. I often make more judgements based on the people closer to me than I do the people not as close to my life. I am unfortunately very talented at judging other people. I don't use the term "judgement" in the sense of thinking I am better than others. It's more like I am aggressively noticing other people's flaws. Which is a huge problem in my life.
There are a few reasons I believe I judge others. First I believe I judge as a way to protect myself. If I can pick out the other persons flaws first than I won't have to focus on my own issues. If I can create in my head the belief that the other person in the relationship has more issues which are worse than my own than I can forever live within that delusion and never deal with my own problems. That is until the other person leaves the relationship because of my constant judging.
Another reason I judge people is because I am projecting onto their lives what has happened to me in my past. For example. I dated a girl awhile ago who cheated on me multiple times during our "relationship". In an effort to keep her from cheating on me I became codependent. During our six months together I can remember only 3 days in which we did not see one another. I became so attached to the girl, and she to me, because I felt if we were always together she wouldn't have the opportunity or desire to cheat again. The relationship ended and I carried around the baggage that came with our time spent together. Over a period of time I felt I'd taken care of removing the unwanted baggage from my life, I thought the closet was cleansed of its skeletons. It wasn't until I began a new relationship that I noticed the skeletons were still in the closet and that they'd been working out. It didn't matter that this new person was completely different than my last girlfriend. It didn't matter that she was a much better person in almost every way. What mattered was I had not taken care of dealing with my hurt from the past. Because I hadn't dealt with these Chuck Norris like emotional skeletons living in my closet I began judging my girlfriend, at the time, as though she were my previous girlfriend who'd cheated on me. In the moment I couldn't personify what was happening, I couldn't tell you I was still hurt from my last relationship. All I knew was the person I was dating had "serious issues that needed to change immediately because everything was her fault." I don't think I need to tell you how that all worked out for me.
After that relationship ended I immediately did some soul searching. It's really amazing how a person can change over a very short period of time when they're dedicated to growing and fixing their issues. This is when I realized I was holding onto the past relationship and judging my, at the time, current girlfriend based on someone else's sins from the past.
So I dealt with the skeletons in the closest, at least the ones I could see. As a result I feel lighter, I feel like a burden has literally been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel as though I am happier. I am not happy that I had to hurt someone in order to realize my issues, that is something I regret. I am happier because I realized what I was doing and worked it out.
It's important to understand when we judge other people, no matter how accurate the judgements may seem at the time, we are crippling the other person, we are crippling ourselves, and we are ensuring the relationship will go through it's times of trouble. The longer we judge the harder we fall.
Jesus said in the book of Matthew "Why worry about a spec in your friends eye when you have a log in your own?" And that's part of the problem with judging. When I judge someone else I completely ignore any problems or issues in my own life. I become entitled and arrogant. I cannot begin to tell you how many times the phrase has left my lips "I know I have my issues to work on but what about THEIR issues?" .
So before another relationship bites the dust I would give you the advice of moving past your past, work on cleaning out the ninja skeletons hiding in your closest, and begin accepting people for who and where they are. You cannot change anybody and you shouldn't be trying to change them in the first place. Acceptance and love are the keys to any healthy relationship. I only wish I'd read this blog a few months ago.
Cheers to moving forward.
- Anthony.
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