I woke up this morning around 7:10. Grabbed some coffee and went downstairs to spend time praying and reading my bible. I was going through my daily office and found myself in the book of exodus. As I read through the designated verses there was something which triggered a memory that I had from almost 10 years ago. It was not a fond memory, actually it was a memory of a time when I felt insecure and vulnerable. Through my feeling of insecurity and vulnerability I made a wrong decision and said something rather stupid at the time. As I watched the scene from this memory play out in my mind like I was watching a movie, those same feelings of insecurity, embarrassment, and vulnerability came rushing back. In a matter of seconds I went from feeling confident and strong to shameful, insecure, and exposed.
I sat in my chair for a few moments and allowed this scene to finish playing in my mind. When it was finished I decided I wasn't going to carry that pain or memory around with me any longer. I began to pray "Lord, forgive me for the decision in that moment. Forgive me for allowing insecurity and embarrassment to control my decision making. Forgive me for hurting anyone with my actions. I know that You already forgive me and love me. Now erase this from my past, let Your love and the blood of Jesus wash over this memory and replace my shame, insecurity, regret, and embarrassment with Your love, peace, security, and forgiveness." Just as quickly as the memory rushed to my mind I saw the scene begin to get erased, in a matter of seconds I couldn't picture it any longer.
I don't believe negative feelings and emotions are randomly given to us to carry around in our lives. In other words, if I have never experienced insecurity in my life than I won't deal with insecurity. I'm saying there has to be something which occurs in our lives for us to feel insecure. God doesn't create anyone with feelings which are contrary to His word and His image of who we are. The only way we adopt these images, feelings, and emotions of ourselves which are ill is through circumstances in our lives which made us uncomfortable. If we are not careful to handle these feelings and images of ourselves when they first occur we can carry them around with us for years and years. We can burry them deep within our hearts and forget they even exist until something happens that cause's us to feel and respond in a similar way. What's worse, the longer we keep these feelings and emotions buried the stronger they get. Unfortunately I can relate to this from experience.
Galatians 5:1 says "So Christ has really set us free..."
verse 7 and 8 says "You were getting along so well. Who has interfered with you to hold you back from following the truth? It certainly isn't God, for He is the one who called you to freedom."
Verse 9 says "A little yeast spreads quickly through the whole batch of dough!"
and verse 13 says "For you have been called to live in freedom - not freedom to satisfy your sinful nature, but freedom to serve one another in love."
Verse 5: Christ has set us free, however it is our choice to live in that freedom. We cannot allow the pain from our past, no matter how difficult it may feel, to interfere with our present and our future. We have to wake up and choose on a daily basis to walk in the freedom He paid for at Calvary.
Verse 7 & 8: Who has interfered with our lives to hold us back? I'm not saying we will never experience negative emotions and feelings, of course we will. However, when we notice them we need to be strong and willing enough to turn to Jesus and allow Him to cleanse our hearts from such negativity.
Verse 9: One simple wrong interpretation of what's being said or done can spread like a wild fire in our hearts. If I have been rejected in my past and never dealt with that rejection I will forever perceive other people in my life as rejecting me. It doesn't matter what is reality or truth, it's always based on my perception. Again, when I notice these negative feelings and perceptions I have to turn them over to Jesus and deal with them.
Verse 13: God has not called His children, you and I, to live with a negative self image. He does not desire for us to lock our hearts away from feeling emotion, He has not desired for us to mis-interpret what's really happening, He has not desired for us to feel rejected and alone. He desires us to live in freedom and love. We cannot assume when we feel alone and rejected that God is causing this to happen. He wants His children free and healed. There is no question about His love for His kids.
Jesus died on the cross and was raised from the dead 3 days later for my forgiveness, salvation, and freedom. It doesn't matter what has happened in my past which causes me to feel insecure, vulnerable, afraid, anxious, jealous, etc. Something obviously happened at some point in my life that deposited these feelings and emotions inside my heart. In order to overcome these negative things in my life I have to revisit these past memories as they come up and deal with them with the help and power of Jesus.
The way things happened with me this morning is a great example of how to deal with these hurts and pains. I cannot decide to run away from these feelings and memories. I have to face them head on, repent for the things I did, and then allow Jesus to cleanse me from the pain and sorrow.
As unfortunate as the pain is right now I know if I do not deal with these aspects of my life now I will deal with them later in life and potentially hurt someone else in the process.
My ultimate prayer in this season is that I will work thru these feelings which keep me from having healthy relationships. I pray I will view myself the way God views me. I pray I will be able to restore these area's of life which have been fractured because of my pain and because of my actions.
So, here's to the process of restoration and freedom!
Cheers,
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