The Swing of an Axe

There are many benefits to living back in Syracuse New York, too many to count.  Four of those benefits are my dear friends, the Choat's.  The man of the Choat household is my best friend, Junky Joe.  Junky Joe is one of one children born to his mother and father a number of years ago.  He was raised in Bakersfield California until moving to Syracuse with his family multiple years ago.  Last year the mother and father of Junky Joe moved to Syracuse New York so they could be closer to their child and his family.

I have been assisting Junky Joe lately, a small price to pay for all the love and affection he and his family have given me throughout the years, by chopping wood for the smoker he uses to cook various meats and other foods.

This past Sunday I went over to the Choat household to visit with the family.  After a certain amount of time the father and mother of Junky Joe came to visit with their family as well.  The three of us men were sitting outside on the back deck and admiring a new wood splitter that Junky Joe had purchased to replace his firman's axe.  As we talked about the new wood splitter I decided to walk down there and give the new thing a try.  I walked out and grabbed a log of wood from the pile against the garage and marched it over to the chopping block.  The log I grabbed had a nasty knot shooting out of the bottom of it and as the other two men walked down to join me they wondered out loud if I should put this one back and grab another log from the pile.  But I had already raised the heavy wood splitter over my shoulder and the log was already standing, looking into my eyes and giving me dirty looks, and there is something that happens when a man holds something heavy and sharp, he has to prove his manhood by swinging the hardened steel and breaking something in his path.  

What seemed like 45 minutes after the first swing was swung, the three of us men still stood taking turns trying to break and show this log who possessed the real strength.  In the battle of Man vs. Wood man always wins...Always.

It was my turn to swing the fireman's axe and show that log who was boss.  I swung down on the inferior and silly log beneath me and then pulled the blade from the hardened wood.  The father of Junky Joe said something to the effect of "Wow, that boy sure is accurate!"  It was nothing, really.  I swung the axe and hoped as the blade swooshed towards the log that I would actually hit my mark and not skim the side and accidentally cut my foot off in the process.  Apparently I did something right, something good, something successful because the father of Junky Joe was so impressed that he made mention of it out loud in the moment with me standing there listening.  

Today, 3 days later, I was swinging that same wood splitter and chopping wooden logs for the smoker of Junky Joe.  Every time I swung the handle I could hear what that old man said Sunday afternoon.  I thought how accurate I was with the axe and how I needed to improve, I needed to continue to be accurate.  With every swing of the handle I felt powerful, I felt like I was accomplishing something, I felt like I was good at something. I can remember as a little boy playing basketball and imaging that I was starting for the New York Knicks, all eyes in the entire stadium were on me.  Every time I went for a lay-up in the school gymnasium I could see the flashes of camera lights in the arena catching my picture.  

The father of Junky Joe said words about me on Sunday that encouraged me, they lifted me up, they made me feel amazing, and they have stuck with me now 3 days later.  I am good at something, so good in fact that an old oil man from Bakersfield California noticed and said so.  It is like hitting the winning home run, scoring the winning touchdown, winning the game for the home team.

Such simple words presented in an innocent and simple way have had such an impact on my heart.  I am good at something... I am really good at something.

I can only wonder how much more important my words are to those closer to me.  Words can sometimes lose value when we use them too often, that's one of the problems with words, it can be difficult to gauge what the current value of each word is in the moment.

I suppose the simple reality here is that I need to be more honest, more true, more intentional, more heartfelt.  I need to choose better words that lift hearts and open minds and I need to suffocate those words that break and wound and pull down. 

 

Grace for myself

Recently I have moved back to Syracuse New York the place I would consider my home.  I have lived in 5 different states and 7 different cities throughout my life but I consider Syracuse to be my home sweet home.  

The decision to move came very abruptly.  Without divulging any of the details I will simply say there came a time when I was made aware of things in my heart that I did not know still existed and I knew I needed to take care of them and make sure they never came back again.  That may sound a little dramatic, but it is true.

There comes a time in our lives when we cross lines we swore we would never cross.  I can honestly say that every time I have made a firm stance on an issue, "I will never do (fill in the blank)" I eventually do (fill in the blank).  Maybe it's a form of judgment; I judge situations, people, or circumstances and then sooner or later fall into that same area myself.  Whatever the reason may be, I find myself on the end of repentance and self exploration.

Self exploration can really, really, really suck!  Especially when you are exploring those dark, cold, nasty corners of your heart and your life that you forgot existed.  It seems like every day you are discovering more things about yourself that you do not like!  As a matter of fact, you would never hang out with someone who had the issues that you have yourself!  Each day you discover something old and something wrong in yourself and you try to find out how you can remove the problem from your life and be done with it forever.

I would have to say the most difficult part about this journey is the self-talk and the un-conscience thoughts you have about yourself as the days drag on.  Evaluating the darkness and finding area's where you could have done better, finding area's where you know you could have been more loving, more accepting, more generous, more normal and then beating yourself up for not choosing better and for not making better choices with your words, your actions, your thoughts, and your emotions in the midst of the area. 

I can take negativity and harshness from almost anyone but the worst sort of hatred is always self-hatred. 

What I am beginning to learn and beginning to remind myself of is how God has so much more grace and love and acceptance for my life than I could ever have for myself.  Every time I find an area where I could have been better or when I find an area that's dark and cold I tend to beat myself up and tell myself how disappointed I am in myself for my behavior.  However, self-hatred is not a fruit of the spirit and I know God is not wanting me to remain in emotional purgatory because of bad decisions I have made.  God has grace for me even in area's where I did not know I needed His grace.  When I realize my failures and I begin to drag my head towards the ground God comes running up alongside me, He puts his arm around my shoulder and He says "Come on man!  Let's try this thing again."  He encourages me, He lifts me up, He reveals area's in my heart that need to be healed and He loves me through the healing.  

It is one thing to extend grace and mercy to other people in my life and I think I am really good at doing so.  But the hardest person I can have grace and mercy for is myself and I know God is wanting me to start with my own heart and to release His grace and His mercy to my heart as I continue the journey to wholeness.   

Angels and demons

I have always been interested in supernatural events and activities ever since I was a little guy.  Growing up during the revival of the 1990's and the outpouring that happened in my church in Kentucky gave me a desire for the things of God and my encounters with angels when I was younger have kept me hungry for more of those experiences.  

Along those same lines I have had experiences with demons before and left   the experiences with some questions in my mind.  I think all of us at some point have had experiences we may or may not admit to that have left us questioning the whole supernatural thing a bit and wondering what some of the truths are behind our experiences.

I didn't really have many references from the bible about the works of angels and demons until I sat across from a woman one evening who was possessed and read bible passages to her as she tried to manifest what was inside her.

I think most of us have this curiosity and maybe have had experiences that we couldn't understand or didn't want to understand.  Either way, here are some things I have been thinking about lately.

I have always wondered at and marveled at the the story of Jesus in the grave yard with the guy that was possessed by a bunch of demons.  Mark chapter 5 talks about the story of the man in the tombs and how he was bound with shackles and chains but he would break them and nothing could keep him bound.  When I read this story in the Amplified version it says that the shackles were weak and the chains were broken by his constant rubbing them and pounding on them with rocks.  What's the point?  I have read this plenty of times before and wondered at the strength of the demons inside the man to break those chains.  But when I read it in the amplified it tells me that he was only able to break those chains and shackles by using natural or physical means.  The shackles were already weak and the chains he had to work to break, it was not some superhuman, supernatural power that enabled the man to break free!  Though he was possessed by a legion of demons he was still bound to normal and natural rules of law.

Then we read in Acts chapter 12 about an encounter with the supernatural and the working of angels.  Peter had been arrested and was heavily guarded in prison.  It says that "he was chained between two guards and that sentries stood guard at the entrance.  In other words...Peter was BOUND!  He had two chains holding him to two guards along with sentries standing at the entrance to his jail cell.  What happens next?  And angel of the Lord shows up, smacks peter to wake him up and then the chains fall off of peters wrists and the jail cell door opens and peter walks right out of jail.  

So what's the point?  demons will try anything they can to instill fear and torment into the lives of believers but they are still bound within the confines of the natural world.  The chains did not fall off the possessed man but he had to work to break them off  by using rocks to smash them.  With peter the chains simply fell off his wrists and he walked out of jail.  Angels are given a higher degree of power, they are not limited to the natural order of things.  In other words, if God sends an angel to set Peter free, Peter is getting free. 

The simple point in this entire story is to understand that we serve a God that is not bound by natural limitations but that He is limitless and boundless in His love and compassion.  

So let fear and worry and doubt fall off of your life like the chains that held Peter to his captors.  Let love, peace, and hope come on you like a warm blanket.  And finally understand that there is a God that loves you.  He is not fighting for you because He already won the war. 

   

  

Why I think being Needed could be a bad thing.

Being needed is an interesting thing.  An interesting relationship between you, the person who is needed, and whomever the person or people are that need you.  It's an interesting dynamic, being needed.  When you're needed it's almost like a high or something similar.  There is a deep part of each person which craves the feelings and emotions that come with being needed by someone else.  What is unfortunate about being needed is that the need can actually kill you.  When relationships are out of balance, the need is the only thing that keeps you in a relationship.  I am not specifically talking about romantic and intimate relationships, it could be relationships with co-workers or friends or family members or lovers or even jobs and volunteer positions.  The problem with being needed and being the source which fills the void is that inevitably the emptiness, the void, the thing which needs you will one day be filled or satisfied and then you will have to change and adapt to fill in the other area's where there is a void or a need.  

What you need instead is to be wanted.  

When you're needed you are acting within a performance based mentality.  When you cannot fulfill your duties of being the solution you will be discarded and left for dead.  But when you are wanted, there is no need to perform, there is no need for a performance review, there is zero possibility of being dropped, being kick to the side, being left for dead, being discarded for something or someone else.  You are wanted and no one and nothing else will satisfy that want.

My Pastor told me years ago while we were talking about the status of the relationship I was involved in, "Anthony, so long as you need her, you'll never have a good relationship."  At the time, I didn't understand what he was saying and it's still difficult to wrap my head around the concept, but tonight as I was driving to a local coffee house to work I had the thought "You don't want to be needed, you want to be wanted."

In my life, I can see where almost all of my decisions have been based off my desire to be needed.  In the spirit of being transparent, there is a new young adult ministry that launched at the church I work for.  In the staff meeting when our Pastor announced the new Saturday night service, I felt "lead" to volunteer myself as the young adult stage manager.  I am employed by the church in the main services as the stage manager and felt the new young adult ministry would need my ability and my services as well.  Obviously at the moment I didn't say to myself, "They need me.  Go volunteer your time so you'll feel needed and complete."  At the time I thought I was hearing the "voice of God."  Actually it was some deep, dark, unidentifiable void in my life that was craving to fill the void, it was craving the feelings of being needed.  

After some time volunteering for this ministry I have lost my grace for it.  Every moment I spend "filling the need" I become discouraged and agitated and bitter.  Is it because I've lost my grace for the position or is it because I sought to volunteer myself in order to feel needed and when those feelings didn't reciprocate I began feeling angry and alone and lonely and upset and bitter and feeling like I was missing something.  Let it be known that I am not writing about or referring to anyone expect myself.

I throw myself into a relationship or a situation or position to feel like I am needed and when I do so from a wounded or broken place or an unhealthy place of being needed the entire situation or relationship or scenario is destined to fail and come crashing down around me.

John was not the "disciple whom Jesus needed."  I don't think Jesus needed anything or anyone.  John was the "disciple whom Jesus loved."  To love someone is not to need them, to love someone is to want them.

In my relationship with Jesus I live out of the place of needing Him.  We are trained to need God and we do need Him.  But a relationship should never begin from a place of need, a relationship should begin from a place of want.  We preach and teach and tell people that they need Jesus in order to gain access into Heaven and avoid the flames of hell.  This is true, but I don't know if I want to live my life from a place of need with consideration to my relationship with Jesus or anyone for that matter.  I have always been a struggling follower of Jesus and I cannot help but wonder if that is because I have needed Him for too long.  I need Jesus when I'm having a bad day.  I need Jesus when I'm sick or when I'm tired or when I don't have enough money or when I'm this or that.  What if I wanted Him instead.  No matter what was happening in life or how I felt I just wanted Him.

The truth is I have always needed you, the reader of this blog.  I have needed to look at the statistics to see how many people were reading my blogs so that I could feel like I wrote something good or popular or true or helpful.  Maybe I don't need you.  

Eh, maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I'm the crazy one.  Maybe you've been living your life out of the constant need to be needed or a feeling that you need someone or something else when actually you don't.  You might want that someone or something else, I suppose that's fine.  But what if you stepped away from that person, place, or thing because you actually didn't need it/them at all.    

Happiness and hope

Proverbs 11:23 says "The godly can look forward to happiness..."

We can look forward to happiness.  I like that.  And yes, I did assume myself to be the "godly".  I know it might seem simple or freshmen to be pointing out this verse and writing about it, but the point of this blog is to share my thoughts and this morning brings this thought.

Who is considered the "godly"?  Well, a quick Google search on "who are the godly?" Brings up a study on godly living.  As true as it is that we should live our lives in a certain way to show that we are children of God, I don't believe we can expect too much of what we do in our lives to make us that much more worthy to receive a specific title from heaven.

The book of Ephesians says we are children of God.  It says if we are in Christ, if we believe in Him, we are seated in heavenly places.  If I can believe I am seated in heavenly places, it would also be safe to assume I can have the benefits of those heavenly places, right?  I mean, if I am seated court side with Jack Nicholson at the Lakers game then I would assume those benefits would be mine as well.  I would expect to see Kanye and Kim or high-five Kobe or get my picture in some national publication sitting next to Jack or any of the other benefits that come with sitting next to Jack Nicholson court side.  

The same should be true when we consider our lives as believers and followers of Jesus.  We are seated in heavenly places.  Those benefits of heaven are mine and they are available to me right now.  I'm not going to be seated in heavenly places, I wasn't seated in heavenly places in a time before right now, I AM seated in heavenly places.  Right now, right here, I am seated.  Those benefits are mine NOW!  Not later, not sometime in the future, right now.

How can I be sick, poor, broken, hurt, jealous, troubled, depressed, lonely, or anything else expect good if I am seated in heavenly places?

It's true, I can look forward to happiness according to proverbs 11.  I can look forward to happiness right now and for the rest of my life.  Why?  Because I am seated in heavenly places.

Ephesians also says that God ordered that all things would fall under the authority of Christ.  What things? ALL THINGS.  That includes my happiness.  My happiness falls under the authority of Jesus!

So here's the deal.  Say it to yourself.  Say, "Self, You are seated in heavenly places.  You are happy because you are under the authority of Jesus."

A solider who falls under the authority of a General will experience the benefits of that general.  When war breaks out, if that General is the smartest and most experienced in combat and war, that soldier will experience those benefits.  We experience the benefits of Heaven for two reasons.  First, we are submitted to Jesus and His authority.  Second, because we are under His authority we are seated in Heavenly places and experience the benefits of Sonship, of being royalty, and of the palace of Heaven.

- cheers.

"Come" to Jesus

Meanwhile, the boat, fighting a strong headwind, was being battered by the waves and was already far away from land. Very early in the morning he came to his disciples, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified and said, "It’s a ghost!" They were so frightened they screamed. Just then Jesus spoke to them, "Be encouraged! It’s me. Don’t be afraid." Peter replied, "Lord, if it’s you, order me to come to you on the water." And Jesus said, "Come." Then Peter got out of the boat and was walking on the water toward Jesus. But when Peter saw the strong wind, he became frightened. As he began to sink, he shouted, "Lord, rescue me!" Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him, saying, "You man of weak faith! Why did you begin to have doubts?" Then those in the boat worshipped Jesus and said, "You must be God’s Son!" (Matthew 14:24-31, 33 CEB)

I can remember being a little kid in Sunday school and hearing this story of Peter walking on water.  When I was a little older, maybe 10, an old Christian band called "Audio Adrenaline" came out with a song with the lyrics "If I keep my eyes on Jesus I can walk on water."

I am not sure we understand this entire story.  Hell, maybe I don't even understand the story.  I don't think this is so much a story of the flashy attitude Jesus had.  I don't think it is a story which should focus our attention on two men walking on water.  I cannot begin to count how many times I've had people ask me "If I believe in Jesus can I walk on water too?"   

I received a new bible a few weeks ago and decided to start reading through the beginning of the New Testament.  So I started in Matthew and I read one or two chapters every morning which brought me to Matthew 14.  When I read this story I was not so focused on Jesus and Peter being able to walk on water as much as I was focused on Jesus giving Peter what Peter asked for.

Jesus was simply walking out to join the disciples.  The Bible doesn't say Jesus had an ulterior motive in making some teaching situation out of the whole experience.  I would like to think that is how Jesus operated.  Not as some marketing or business genius figuring out how to trap people into a situation where He could teach them something new.  I like to think Jesus organically developed people's words and actions into teaching scenarios.  Like this instance with Peter.

Jesus said "It's me."  He didn't say anything else.  Peter spoke out, "Lord, if it is You, tell me to come."  Jesus responds with "Come."

God not only gives us what we ask for, He also provides what we will need to complete it.  Jesus didn't only say "come", He also provided Peter with the ability to walk on water.

I believe it is easy to become too worried about what God thinks.  I heard long ago that God has given us a green light.  It is not easy to make decisions without consulting someone first, especially if the person is God.  I want my decisions in life to be validated with knowing or thinking I heard God say it was okay for me to do something.  I believe sometimes God simply says "come" and does not necessarily tell us how to come.  Peter could have swam to Jesus, maybe he could have thrown Jesus a rope and pulled himself to closer His side.  Instead peter walked to Jesus.  Jesus didn't tell peter to walk on the water, He just said "come."

Maybe God does not care how we get to Him, maybe He just cares that we come to Him.

Don't let fear of missing God deprive you of living a fruitful and productive life.  Choose to "come" to God and do so in any way that you see fit.  God will let you know if you are missing it.  If He is not telling you to stop maybe it is because He wants you to keep going the way you are going.

Get a dream, get a vision, get a goal, map your route and then tell Jesus to ask you to come.  The next step is simply stepping out of the boat and walking towards Him.