The clock that turns backwards.

I work as a salesman at a local retail store in my hometown of Syracuse, NY.
In all of our stores there is a clock, not a beautiful or decorative clock, just a simple, round, black with white numbers clock.  In one store the clock reads 15 minutes faster than any of the other stores.  Then there is the clock in our store located in a specific location, this clock is very special because it runs backwards.  That's right.  For no apparent reason the clock began turning backwards one day.  I noticed it last week when I was working in the store.  I stopped and looked at the clock for a few moments and then captured a video of the clock and sent it to a friend saying in the text, "notice anything different here?"

For the last 9 days I've been thinking about this clock.  I've been thinking about the significance of this clock and the fact that it turns backwards.  I was walking around the store this evening and stopped once more to observe the second hand ticking in reverse.

There are things in my life that I regret.  Well, maybe regret is too strong of a word.  There are things I've said and done in my years that I would appreciate another shot at.  Not that I regret them as in I sit down from time to time and become saddened or upset with myself for decisions I've made.  Because of the decisions I've made in life I find myself where I currently am, and that's okay with me.  However, I can dream sometimes of what it would be like to have another chance at certain moments that happened throughout life.

I wonder what it would be like if my life clock began to tick backwards one day.  What if someone above decided to press the rewind button on my life and rewound everything to a certain time, and then pressed record allowing me another shot from that moment on.  What would I do differently?  Would I understand that this was my second chance?  Would I do things differently or would I handle everything the same way?

If I had another shot at life I know one thing for certain, I would love better and more frequently and I would have created a vision for my life and followed it.

Throughout my life I've always found it easy to love people.  Family members, Friends, Girlfriends, co-workers, and perfect strangers.  I've always been a man that threw myself into loving people entirely.  There have been times where that love was handled in incorrect ways, times where that love was rejected, times where I've walked away feeling like I did something wrong.  When you love someone you are not doing anything wrong and that's a lesson I'm still struggling to learn.

Choosing to love people is not as easy a task as you'd think.  Sure, choosing to love people you already love is easy, but choosing to love everyone is very hard.  I don't wake up in the morning and look forward to making a difference in someones day.  I wake up and become instantly preoccupied with my little world and the days agenda.  It's usually not until I'm out driving around that I remind myself to make someone have a better day by loving them.

That's where vision comes into play.  I think If I set a vision for my life and follow the way of that vision, well then I'd have an easier time sticking true to the plan.
If I set a life vision for myself that I'll change people's lives by simply helping them have better days I'd be more prone to constantly put others before myself and help make their days better.  If I don't set that vision for my life I'll get off track, or maybe I won't even be on the track because it doesn't exist for my life.

What I have learned is that it doesn't matter what you've done or what's been done to you in your past so long as you learn from what's happened up to this point in life.  Sure, shitty things happen, welcome to the world we live in.  The one thing everyone has in common is that life can deal us all some shitty cards.  However, by not learning from those shitty experiences, by giving yourself a licensee to shut down or hide away from life or love because you don't want to be hurt again, well that just furthers the wounds inflicted.  That, I believe, is where real regret comes into play.

What's the best way to live a life without regret?  Learn from your past and move forward in life.  Don't construct walls to hide your pain, let your pain roam about freely and deal with its awkwardness.  After your pain has run around the track a few times and it gets tired, go kill it.  Don't let your pain control you, move forward and leave the past in the past.

To everyone I have ever hurt.

I am 25 years old.  As young as that seems or sounds I cannot help but begin to look at my life over the last seven years and gasp and how fast that time has moved.
What's worse than considering how fast the time has moved is evaluating the quality of that time.
In those seven years I have found love and just as fast I have lost love.  I have gained a sister, a nephew, and a niece.  I have gained friends and lost friends.  I have learned how to play various musical instruments, I have learned how to sing songs.  I have created memories; beautiful memories I still dream of and haunting memories I wish I could take away.  I have lost two grandfathers and one grandmother.  I wrecked two cars and purchased a brand new car.

For some reason, and beyond my choice, I have begun to look back at my life.  My focus has been on the relationships I once had.  Friendships and romantic relationships.  
Throughout these seven years I have had one consistent force operating in my life, my ability to disown people.  I believe everyone I enter into a relationship with will hurt me.  Some may take weeks, some years, but eventually I will be wounded.  Without realizing what I've done, I have ended or ignored the relationship before I could be hurt.  I've always justified why the relationship failed or faltered, and I've done a good job convincing myself and others why things happened the way they did.  My reasoning has varied from each person.  They were trying to control me, they were holding me back, there was something or someone better for me, they were lying to me, they really didn't like me, etc.  Until now I always thought I was right, I thought I was making the right choices, that I was the one being hurt and had to abandon everything.  What I am realizing is I was the person causing the hurt, I was the person doing the wounding.  Now I find myself alone.

I can remember the first friendship I had that ended in hurt.  I was in high school, I believe a freshman.  Two of my friends and I had a fight over something and the friendship ended in ugly sorts.  It hurt, it was my first friendship that had ended badly.  A few sundays later I was in church and I went up front after the service for prayer.  After I was prayed for I stayed there praying to God.  My father walked up front, gave me a hug, and told me "don't keep this hurt, don't carry this pain through your life."  I remember thinking at that moment that I was done with the pain, that I would never have to worry about the hurt again.
Well, here I am at 25 looking back on the relationships I've had since that moment and it's obvious to me that I never let that pain leave.  From that situation when I was 13 I have been leaving relationships early for fear of being hurt.  I've had this idea of what a perfect relationship looks and feels like.  When I don't feel things progressing in a direction I feel they should go, I jump ship.  unfortunately I poke a few holes in the boat on my way out.  I have a gift for burning bridges when I cross them. 

Recently I was tasked with writing out who I am and what I feel I am supposed to do with my life.  When I think about writing I am filled with fear,  Fear what the page will read when I am finished.
I've thought about what I would write down and for some reason those thoughts lead me to wondering how many people would be in attendance at my funeral if I were to die today.  I know that probably sounds pompous,  But what is life other than sharing, grasping, expressing, and living within love?  It's not so much about feeling popular because of the amount of people I believe would attend my funeral, it's more about considering all the people I've hurt along the years.  Low attendance to me would be a direct response to the question of how many people I've wounded throughout my life.

In some way I am glad to be discovering my pain at 25 and not when I'm 50.  Still, the thought of everyone I've hurt in my past has broken me.  I've spent these days crying, walking around and feeling nothing except pain.  This is my black dog, my shadow of despair, my storm cloud hovering above.  When will it pass?  I'm not sure.  I know it hurts like hell, like everything I loved has been taken away from me.  I know God is involved.  I know it's a process, an exposing, a healing.  I know sometimes it's better to run towards the pain than retreat from it's grasp.  And that's what I'm doing.  I'm doing as best I can to embrace what is happening in my life, What I have caused to happen in my life.
I'm not saying God is a bully, I'm not saying this is some unjust thing that is happening to my life.  Honestly, I don't want to assume I understand anything that is happening.  I just want to believe God is doing a good work within me, even if it hurts like hell right now.

I heard it said once "no man is an island."  It feels like I have created my own island.  The island was once large and beautiful, it had a nice resort located near the ocean, something you'd see in a travel magazine.  Now the island is sinking into the sea.

To those I have hurt, abandoned, divorced, left stranded, beat up, judged, lied to, and forgotten. I am, from the bottom of my heart, sorry.  I hope that the hurt I lived through and carried these years has not transferred onto you.  I pray you can forgive me.