Speaking to the wall

One of the most difficult things in life is being in relationship with people.  Being connected to someone else whether they be friends, family members, lovers, or co-workers.  Anytime we are connected to someone, anytime we are close enough to allow ourselves to be known or to see into another's heart we are standing on unstable ground.  It's really all about intimacy or "into me you see" and the risk that involves. 

When we get close to people and they get close to us, our problems and issues and cracks in our foundation begin to show and reveal themselves. We go from our normal, surface level self to the person with the fear of abandonment or the person with a guarded heart or whatever the issue may be.  

Let's be clear, everyone has their issues they carry around.  Everyone has those quirks, those behaviors, those thoughts or feelings or whatever it is that is a part of who they are.  For example, I struggle with intimacy, not in giving intimacy or allowing people to become close to me, I struggling with allowing everyone close to me, too close.  I struggle with giving too much of my heart away to anyone and everyone that seems interested.  This plays itself out in my life in areas where I have unhealthy boundaries because I never establish those boundaries in the first place in relationships.

Others have been hurt so many times in the past and now they won't allow others into their heart, they remain guarded and defensive when others try to get close. Both of these people flesh their issues out in various ways but both are treated using the same methods.  

The central issue is identity. We forget all too quickly our real and true identity.  We have been hurt before, our parents divorced, a lover cheated on us or abandoned us, a friend said words out of  their wounding that caused us pain, we failed at a dream, or whatever the situation was the truth is we were left thinking and viewing ourselves as failures, as being unlovable, unworthy, untrustworthy, feeling we could not trust or love others because they would one day abandon and leave us or make us feel insignificant and unworthy. 

We are all products of our past and more importantly we are products of how we interpreted our past inside our hearts.  

Some tips are to recognize that people are operating out of their hurt and not deliberately trying to hurt you. This enables you to have mercy and grace for them and to love them enough to help bring them to a place of healing. 

Another is to recognize your own hurt and wounding that plays itself out in your life.  If you are unaware of those areas in your life, take some quiet time and get alone and ask your heart where it has been hurt.  Then listen to your heart and process what you hear.  

The truth is you are loved and accepted and deserve to be loved, cherished, accepted, fruitful, and to have quality relationships with others who build you up and love you well.

In all things share love, accept love, share mercy and grace and allow your heart to be open and free inside of a healthy environment.

- Anthony 

What I've learned over 100,000 words.

This is the 100th blog I have written for my own site.  I am not wildly famous and millions of people do not read my blogs each time I post something new.  Still the fact I have written over 100,000 words spreading over a time frame of two years means something to me.  This is an accomplishment I can say I am proud of.  If nobody reads my posts or if everyone reads them it's still something I can look at and say "I did this."

I've been thinking for the last two weeks about what I should write.  This being my 100th post, I feel like it should be something of significance.  Maybe some wisdom I've gained over the last two years, or some divine inspiration Christ almighty released to me one night while I was fast asleep.  As I thought about the subject I realized the best topic I could write about would be Jesus.  I don't boast this blog as being strictly spiritual, although 99% of the posts have been spiritually based.  If anything I've turned this blog into a public journal of sorts.  I do my very best to write about the things circling my head and my heart.  They may be immature at times, they may be brilliant, they may be sad in some way, but the one thing I have never done is care how people would view me through my writing.  I learned in the beginning to write for myself and never change my writing to suit the reader.  When I change my thoughts or my feelings through my writing I become a fake, I become the worst sort of person there is, the sort of person that is not themselves.

Having said all that, I hope you enjoy my 100th blog post.  I hope you continue to read what I have to say and I hope that you like it on Facebook, Share it with all your friends, re-tweet my links on twitter, and quote me while you're out in bars talking with people you know.  (yes, I am that shallow).

So, without further ado, I present to you, my 100th blog.


I was watching Joseph Prince the other morning as I sat in my living room drinking coffee with my roommates(Mom and Dad).  He was talking about something, honestly I don't exactly remember what.  However, he said he didn't care about his name or the fame of his ministry.  His job through his ministry was to point people to Jesus.  Now I've read where paul says this is every ministers job in life, to preach Jesus Christ.  When I watched as Joseph Prince said this it struck a chord inside and made me think.

It's a little silly to even think about this.  Of course I'm supposed to point people to Christ.  I am a Christian and I believe the only way to The Father, the only way to be forgiven of my sins, the only way to salvation is through Jesus.  That's not something I should really need to think about, it's not a complex issue, it's rather simple and straight forward.

In my blogs I've talked about relationships, about forgiveness and letting go of my past, about moving forward in life, about becoming the person God designed me to become, and many other topics.  What's the central theme amongst all those posts?  Jesus.  Whether I specifically say "The only way to truly love is to turn to Jesus and love Him" or not, the fact remains, Jesus is the way to love because He Himself is love.  Jesus is literally everything we need to live, to love, to forgive, to forget our past, to press forward, to be set free, to be healed and whole, and to be good.  We are unable to do any of these things or become any of these things without Jesus.

When Jesus sacrificed His life on the cross at calvary, when He was buried and rose from the grave 3 days later, He defeated the power of death and the grave.  I believe death comes in many variations.  Obviously there is physical death, there is the spiritual death which could be explained as the difference between heaven and hell.  Then there is death that can overtake our lives while we're still breathing.  There is the death that can be inflicted upon our lives when tragedy strikes.  That tragedy can take many shapes and forms.  That tragedy, or death, can take hold of our lives when our parents divorce, or when one of our parents vanishes from our lives.  It can take hold when we're in a relationship and we're cheated on, when someone breaks our heart, when a friend causes pain in our lives and we hold onto that bitterness.  That death can take hold of our lives when we hold onto unforgiveness and refuse to let the hurt inflicted by those people and circumstances leave our hearts.

For example, I held onto bitterness and anger towards people in my past that had hurt me for years. Now, I didn't walk around broken and angry all the time.  I didn't get in random fights with people because I was so angry.  I simply would not forgive these people from my past and allow the bitterness to leave my heart.  Because of this inability to let go I remained in the same position in life for years.  I didn't grow or mature because I was stuck in the past of my hatred and dysfunction. Again, I didn't walk around filed with rage or obvious anger.  However, because I couldn't forgive these people and love them I, in some way, hated them.  That's the opposite of love and forgiveness, hatred.

 In the book of Matthew Jesus says "So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." (Matthew 5:23, 24 ESV)

We are supposed to live our lives as offerings and sacrifices to the Lord, not only when we're in church but constantly through our lives in the everyday.  Which means that at any time I'm alive and awake and I am reminded of someone who is upset with me or someone I am upset with, I should stop what I am doing and go make things right.  I need to forgive them and ask them to forgive me so we can both be set free.

I can understand that this seems like an impossible task.  "Well I didn't do anything wrong."  "I was the one cheated on."  "They were wrong, not me!"  "They abandoned me!"   These are the same excuses I used for years so I can understand trying to justify staying in the place of bitterness and pain.

Jesus came to give you and me life and more abundantly.  Trust me when I say Jesus didn't sacrifice His life so you and I could wallow in our past pain for our entire lives.  Jesus came to this earth and died for you and me so we could be set free from this darkness.  Yes, He came to make a way for us to live eternity in heaven and be with Him because of His grace.  Equally as significant, He came to earth and died for us because He loves us unconditionally and wants to see you and I set free and living life to the fullest.

There is a word used in the bible "SOZO".  It means "Saved, Healed, Delivered."  This is what Jesus came for, to provide us with "SOZO".  That we may be saved from the power of sin and death, that we may be healed from our sickness and pain, and that we may be delivered from our past, from our dysfunction, and from our hurts and bitterness.

How do we take hold of everything Jesus has given us?  We ask Him.  We call out to His name and freely receive everything He already gave us when He rose from the grave.  We love Him, we follow Him.  You don't have to be a man or a woman of prayer, you don't have to say anything special, you don't even have to sound eloquent when you pray.  Just pray and ask Jesus to release His love, healing, salvation, forgiveness, and freedom into your life.  Please, ask Him, He never fails, He never gives up, He always loves, He always shows up, He always provides.

Jesus Said, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. (Matthew 7:7, 8 ESV)

All you have to do is ask and seek Him.  He loves you unconditionally and will provide your freedom and healing.

Someone who is very close to me, someone whom I love dearly, once asked me to show them how to love.  I wasn't sure how to explain love at the time.  I wasn't sure how to show them how to love except through my loving them.  Today I feel like I have a better way to show someone how to love.  That is to look to Jesus.  For Jesus, before we were created, before any of the things around us today existed, loved us so much that He freely laid down His life for ours that we could live a life of significance.  That we could live life to the fullest, that we could live life free and whole, that we could live life in love.  What greater gift could anyone receive than the ability to live their life in complete love, free from the walls that guard their heart.

I will make my last words of this post reflect possibly the greatest example of the pure love Jesus has for humanity.  Before I share this example please note that His love is just as strong, just as sincere, and just as tangible today as it was so many years ago.

While Jesus was hanging on the cross at calvary and the people gathered round began mocking Him, while the roman soldiers gambled for His cloths, while the Pharisee's walked by and spit on Him in disgust, Jesus's words, found in Luke chapter 23 were "Father, forgive these people because they don't know what they are doing."
Even on His cross, Jesus loved His enemies, the ones that were murdering Him.

Go, Be Free

“Go, be free”. Those words have hit me hard this morning.  Words spoken to me by someone not understanding what they were saying.  It's amazing how God can use things like that to bring a release into our lives.

Almost six months ago I became aware of how my life was repeating the same cycles of dysfunction.  I've written about this process before so I  won't go into all the details in this post.  
One day, a few weeks ago after reading my daily devotions, I began thinking of specific people from my past who I had issues with. People I offended and hurt or who had offended and hurt me.  I would think of their name and my next thought was “call them and ask them to forgive you”.  My thoughts were not about the situations, circumstances, or details.  Just, “call them and ask them to forgive you”.  
To me, It didn't matter if they had done something to me first. It didn't matter if their offense towards me was worse than mine towards them.  It didn't matter if I thought I was justified.  So I started with the first person.  I didn't call them and say, ’I want you to forgive me and I also forgive you’.  I didn't find a script to follow of what to say in these situations.   What I say changes each time.  It usually goes something like, “I have been noticing things in my life I want to change with God.  The other day you came to my mind and I just wanted to apologize and ask you to forgive me for hurting you and handling things wrong”. 
I notice that I am feeling happier, more relaxed, and literally lighter. I feel like pressure is being lifted off of my heart.  It has been a slow progression and today feels better than yesterday.  This process has gone from people that I've hurt recently to people from years ago.  
This morning I called one such person.  Someone I have not spoken with or seen in over three years.  After I nervously stumbled through my apology, The words spoken to me where “Go, be free”. That just about knocked me over.  I haven't thought about it like that.  I know this process is freeing me from my past and aligning me with the plan God has for my life, but those words cleared everything up for me.  Like a spotlight turned on in a dark room. There it was. Simple. “Go, be free”.

Here is what the bible says about forgiveness.
“Be gentle  and  forbearing with on another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive]”. (Colossians 3:13 AMP)

“Then Peter came up to Him and said, Lord, how many times may my brother sin against me and I forgive him  and  let it go? [As many as] up to seven times?  Jesus answered him, I tell you, not up to seven times, but seventy times seven!” (Matthew 18:21, 22 AMP)
(I have heard it said that the “seventy times seven” actually means forever, or always.  To forgive always.)

“And even if he sins against you seven times in a day, and turns to you seven times and says, I repent [I am sorry], you must forgive him (give up resentment and consider the offense as recalled and annulled).” (Luke 17:4 AMP)

“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him  and  let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings  and  shortcomings  and  let them drop.” (Mark 11:25 AMP)

I prayed many times before this all began and told God that I forgive the people that hurt me.  I told God that I forgive myself for holding bitterness and resentment against those people.  I never asked God to forgive me for handling situations wrong, or hurting those people. I thought because I told God I forgive them I was clear of all hurt.  I thought that was it.  I was free from that person and that pain. I was wrong.

I am not trying to make this post a single source for teaching, understanding, or training on forgiveness.  
The words “Go, be free” hit me to the core.  I simply wanted to share my thoughts and feelings on the event.

I Pray you feel the love The Father has for you. I pray you reach out to those people who need to tell you “Go, be free”. 

Fear

I have been getting more and more anxious over small things in my life for the last few weeks and I could not figure out why.  I would find myself getting angry and depressed over the smallest things and I could not figure out why.  I just figured I was growing and more responsibility was falling on my shoulders which caused the anxiety.  It was not until Wednesday when I listened to a podcast from bill Johnson that I realized fear has gripped my life.
In areas where I am a leader, I have been getting more and more frustrated with people.  I have been trying to demand perfection and when I don't get it, I feel disrespected, upset, hurt, and offended.  I realized that this fear has been hindering my growth and the growth of those around me.  It's as if I have said, "God can only move and only work in our service if everything runs perfectly, the holy spirit will only release freedom if everyone shows up on time and prepared".  How crazy is that!  Look at the majority of lives in the church today, God showed up and changed us personally at our most chaotic times, not when everything was perfect and in order.  God is the order, He is the perfection.  

I will let go of my pride, of my arrogance, of my judgements against others.  I will begin to live my life full of grace, love, and acceptance for myself.  When I can accept and love myself I can accept and love others.  If I demand perfection from myself I will try to demand it from those around me.
It's amazing how little things in life Consume me.  Little obstacles that, taken out of perspective drag me down and beat me up.  I have been making a mountain out of a mole hill.  Not anymore.  I will no longer Submit to the control of fear.

Lord, thank You for freedom that You extend to me.  Thank You for showing me how to let go, for showing me how to accept and love myself just as You love and accept me.  I pray You would reveal all the areas in my life that I have allowed fear to control and give me the strength to eradicate it from my life. 

Psalm 23:4. Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me.