Grace for myself

Recently I have moved back to Syracuse New York the place I would consider my home.  I have lived in 5 different states and 7 different cities throughout my life but I consider Syracuse to be my home sweet home.  

The decision to move came very abruptly.  Without divulging any of the details I will simply say there came a time when I was made aware of things in my heart that I did not know still existed and I knew I needed to take care of them and make sure they never came back again.  That may sound a little dramatic, but it is true.

There comes a time in our lives when we cross lines we swore we would never cross.  I can honestly say that every time I have made a firm stance on an issue, "I will never do (fill in the blank)" I eventually do (fill in the blank).  Maybe it's a form of judgment; I judge situations, people, or circumstances and then sooner or later fall into that same area myself.  Whatever the reason may be, I find myself on the end of repentance and self exploration.

Self exploration can really, really, really suck!  Especially when you are exploring those dark, cold, nasty corners of your heart and your life that you forgot existed.  It seems like every day you are discovering more things about yourself that you do not like!  As a matter of fact, you would never hang out with someone who had the issues that you have yourself!  Each day you discover something old and something wrong in yourself and you try to find out how you can remove the problem from your life and be done with it forever.

I would have to say the most difficult part about this journey is the self-talk and the un-conscience thoughts you have about yourself as the days drag on.  Evaluating the darkness and finding area's where you could have done better, finding area's where you know you could have been more loving, more accepting, more generous, more normal and then beating yourself up for not choosing better and for not making better choices with your words, your actions, your thoughts, and your emotions in the midst of the area. 

I can take negativity and harshness from almost anyone but the worst sort of hatred is always self-hatred. 

What I am beginning to learn and beginning to remind myself of is how God has so much more grace and love and acceptance for my life than I could ever have for myself.  Every time I find an area where I could have been better or when I find an area that's dark and cold I tend to beat myself up and tell myself how disappointed I am in myself for my behavior.  However, self-hatred is not a fruit of the spirit and I know God is not wanting me to remain in emotional purgatory because of bad decisions I have made.  God has grace for me even in area's where I did not know I needed His grace.  When I realize my failures and I begin to drag my head towards the ground God comes running up alongside me, He puts his arm around my shoulder and He says "Come on man!  Let's try this thing again."  He encourages me, He lifts me up, He reveals area's in my heart that need to be healed and He loves me through the healing.  

It is one thing to extend grace and mercy to other people in my life and I think I am really good at doing so.  But the hardest person I can have grace and mercy for is myself and I know God is wanting me to start with my own heart and to release His grace and His mercy to my heart as I continue the journey to wholeness.   

Speaking to the wall

One of the most difficult things in life is being in relationship with people.  Being connected to someone else whether they be friends, family members, lovers, or co-workers.  Anytime we are connected to someone, anytime we are close enough to allow ourselves to be known or to see into another's heart we are standing on unstable ground.  It's really all about intimacy or "into me you see" and the risk that involves. 

When we get close to people and they get close to us, our problems and issues and cracks in our foundation begin to show and reveal themselves. We go from our normal, surface level self to the person with the fear of abandonment or the person with a guarded heart or whatever the issue may be.  

Let's be clear, everyone has their issues they carry around.  Everyone has those quirks, those behaviors, those thoughts or feelings or whatever it is that is a part of who they are.  For example, I struggle with intimacy, not in giving intimacy or allowing people to become close to me, I struggling with allowing everyone close to me, too close.  I struggle with giving too much of my heart away to anyone and everyone that seems interested.  This plays itself out in my life in areas where I have unhealthy boundaries because I never establish those boundaries in the first place in relationships.

Others have been hurt so many times in the past and now they won't allow others into their heart, they remain guarded and defensive when others try to get close. Both of these people flesh their issues out in various ways but both are treated using the same methods.  

The central issue is identity. We forget all too quickly our real and true identity.  We have been hurt before, our parents divorced, a lover cheated on us or abandoned us, a friend said words out of  their wounding that caused us pain, we failed at a dream, or whatever the situation was the truth is we were left thinking and viewing ourselves as failures, as being unlovable, unworthy, untrustworthy, feeling we could not trust or love others because they would one day abandon and leave us or make us feel insignificant and unworthy. 

We are all products of our past and more importantly we are products of how we interpreted our past inside our hearts.  

Some tips are to recognize that people are operating out of their hurt and not deliberately trying to hurt you. This enables you to have mercy and grace for them and to love them enough to help bring them to a place of healing. 

Another is to recognize your own hurt and wounding that plays itself out in your life.  If you are unaware of those areas in your life, take some quiet time and get alone and ask your heart where it has been hurt.  Then listen to your heart and process what you hear.  

The truth is you are loved and accepted and deserve to be loved, cherished, accepted, fruitful, and to have quality relationships with others who build you up and love you well.

In all things share love, accept love, share mercy and grace and allow your heart to be open and free inside of a healthy environment.

- Anthony 

Grace vs. Justice

It's easy for us to understand the concepts of justice.  Especially in American society, the search for justice in every area of life is paramount.  We want people to get what they deserve, nothing more and nothing less.  Biblically, what we understand as justice doesn't make any sense, at least not with Jesus.

There are different ways we can approach the understanding of the grace and mercy Jesus provides for our lives.  One of those ways can be found in the book of Romans.  We are all familiar with the romans road to salvation.  We are all dirty sinners, not one of us is better than the other person.  It doesn't matter what you've done in your life or what you haven't done.  The fact remains that sin is sin and a sinner is a sinner.  Thank God for His grace and mercy and the beautifully free gift of salvation through Jesus, because now we are saved and made clean and free from our past and our sin.  What's even more important to understand is we are not sinners once we receive Jesus.  Yes, we still sin but we are not associated as sinners any longer, at least not in the The Kingdom.

If God followed our system of justice no one would make it through the pearly gates of heaven.  If God followed our system of justice, we would all be forever tormented with the punishment for our sinful ways because we would have to pay for the sins we'd committed. 

I can understand how a lot of people may believe that God's grace removes us from the power of sin and spending our eternal lives burning in the flames of hell.  That's almost too easy to understand.  Yet, there is a belief that says, "although I may escape the flames of hell, I will be punished with lack, sickness, and regret on earth because of my sins."  It's just another form of justice that we adopt for our lives and the lives of others.  We feel that everyone, including ourselves, deserves punishment for our mistakes and for our sins.  However, God says that through His grace, mercy, and love, when we repent of our sins we are set free from the power of sin in our lives.  God is not a police officer watching to make sure we pay for our mistakes.  I thought the cross made all of this pretty clear.  Because of Jesus, through repentance we are set free from the power of sin in our lives.

I went through something in my life, 6 or 7 years ago, which taught me a great lesson on God's grace and mercy and His justice.  World justice said to pursue the case and make sure the person paid for what they'd done.  Grace and Mercy said to let it go and trust God that His word was relevant and true for my life.  

This is not relegated to "non-believer's".  Even Christians seek vengeance and justice when we are wronged.  We want the other person to pay for the mistakes they've made.  That's just simply not God.  God is love and forgiveness and because we are commissioned with being Jesus to the people around us, that means we are to love and forgive in ALL situations and circumstances.  There is literally NOTHING someone could do in our lives that would justify not loving and not forgiving them.  However, this doesn't compute with our feelings or our intellect.  We read that sentence and immediately go to the negative or worst case scenario's.  Friend, let me tell you that God's grace and mercy triumph all!  

Let me challenge you with beginning to live your life the way Jesus lived His.  Offer abundant grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness to EVERYONE in your life, past, present, and future.  Do not seek justice or vengeance, instead seek love redemption.

Cheers,

~ Anthony