My City

I have recently moved back home, Syracuse New York....I think I already told you about that.  

I love being back home.  The sights, the smells, the air, the people, being closer to my family, everything about this city I love.  Four years ago I began to hate my city and almost everything about it.  I hated the sights, the air, almost all the people, and just about everything else.  I hated this city so much that I dreamed of making my escape, I did nothing except talk about and read about how much I needed to move and leave and run far, far away to find myself.  Well, I am not sure if I found myself over the last two years or not but I have changed.

I have been driving around the city, looking at all the new businesses, noticing the older buildings that have been upgraded and changed, the older stores that have finally closed down and shut their doors after years of struggling.  I have connected again with old friends and found ways in how they have grown and in ways they have stayed the same.  The roads still have potholes, which makes driving sometimes frustrating.  There are still worse parts of the city than others.  My favorite tea shop has adjusted their culture a bit and there are more people sitting inside than I would care for.  And although things have changed, there is still a familiarity within the belly of the city that I love.  The air is cool and the scenery is still beyond enjoyable.  The streets still hold some of my best and some of my worst memories, familiar streets are hard to turn down because of those memories, but I still love my city, my home.

As I drove home the other night from visiting with friends, I played a soft song, hung my arm out the window, and smoked my pipe, and I couldn't help but connect myself and my life to the life of my city.  

I have been gone for two years and in that time both myself and my city have changed.  Parts of us have shut down and closed up shop, we have both matured in that way.  Myself and my city have made upgrades in certain area's, we have restored our foundations and thrown some paint on our exterior.  And myself and my city have opened new places and new spaces.  

I have come home, not with my tail tucked between my legs, but with an understanding that life is moving forward and progressing and I need to love myself enough and respect myself enough to keep from judging who I am and what I need to work on in my life.

One of the more difficult aspects of being a christian is knowing and being able to hold back judgement, especially directed at myself.  I would say that I am my best and worst critic, I have a natural ability to point out my own flaws and bully myself into change.  It is too easy to look around and notice those things in my life I want changed.  But I don't know if that is what I should be engaging in, I don't know if that is the best use of my time and ability.  

Instead of looking where I am currently and dreaming about my escape maybe I should just drive around with my window rolled down and look at the new additions, notice the places and spaces that have been closed, appreciate that upgrades.  Essentially, maybe I should have more grace for myself.  I can look at myself from a distance and appreciate who I am, where I have come from, and know where I am going, or at least where I am going in the moment.  Above all else, I think this is how Jesus would want me to view myself.  As someone who is solid, someone who has a lot to offer, someone who has made changes in some area's and upgraded other area's and has even closed down shop in the places that were just not working for anyone.  I think Jesus would want me to be more content with who I am and He would want me to stop trying to plan my escape and He would want me to stop criticizing myself. 

So here is to taking a drive around your city.  Rolling down your window, hanging your arm outside, listening to a familiar song, and taking everything in and being okay with where you are.

breaking the cycle.

I'm beginning to realize that I'm writing about the same subjects I was writing about last year, or maybe a little later than last year.  Which makes me chuckle and wonder why that is considering this is going to be a post on cycles we repeat in our lives.
Whatever the reason, I'll continue writing because my thoughts are newer now, having been through different experiences since I last wrote about this topic.

I've heard artist's say it's wildly important to keep reinventing yourself.  If a musician released the same album every year I wouldn't keep buying the new record because I would've heard it before.  In the business world I've heard it said it's important to stick with what works and not ruin a good thing.  Don't try to reinvent the wheel as the popular saying goes.

In our lives I believe that both are true depending on who we are and where we find ourselves.  If things aren't working we should reinvent ourselves.  If things are going well than we shouldn't attempt to change what's already working.  That can be rather tricky because I'm not sure if I am the best person to judge if what I'm doing is working or not.  Take for example someone that's an alcoholic.  There is a stage where the alcoholic believes they are fine, they have life and drinking in control.  However, to their friends and family their drinking is out of control and they need to stop and change their behavior.  There really isn't a definitive answer.  Again, both are true, reinventing yourself and not changing anything about your life, it simply depends on where you are at the time in life.

I remember a year or so ago when I first noticed what was wrong with my life, I was trapped in a cycle of dysfunction.  I would start with doing well, I would continually spend time advancing my spiritual well being and I would jump wholeheartedly into spiritual things.  After some time I would become burned out or my schedule would get busy and I would stop making time for my spiritual exercises.  After this stage of the cycle I would begin committing what I thought were "sins".  My "sinning" would turn me away from my spirit and I'd follow this stage for a month or so.  The next stage in the cycle would involve me feeling guilty and upset with myself for falling away from growing spiritually and I would become dejected.  The final stage would be me turning back to my spiritual growth and jumping back into that area of life.  And I would repeat that cycle over and over again.  When I realized what was going on I went for help, I met with my pastor and he began to walk me through the issues in my life and took me to the place where I could become healed enough to break the cycle.  (Thank you Pastor Terry)

The cycles I develop and follow in my life don't necessarily have to be spiritual, although I believe most of the issues in my life center around the health of my spirituality.

Relationships for example.  I could be in a relationship with someone for a set period of time and be perfectly happy and content.  When things get a little too close for comfort I'll back away and end the relationship.  Then I'll spend some time getting over that relationship, I'll begin feeling guilty for running away, than I'll start feeling better about myself and I'll enter a new relationship with someone else.  The cycle continues.

I believe we can take any area of our lives and use this example.  Am I always choosing friends that aren't good influences on my life?  Am I always entering into abusive relationships with the opposite sex?  Do I have a hard time committing and engaging in relationships, work, hobby's, etc.?

It's not an easy task to end the cycle's we've developed in our lives.  Doing so requires we step outside of our comfort zone and change our behavior and, most importantly, we change our thinking.  That's the hardest part, changing our thinking and our feelings.  Our feelings and our thoughts can and will murder us if we don't learn to keep them in check and remind ourselves of what's real.

We find comfort in our cycles especially if we've created our cycles based out of some tragedy in our lives.  We've been hurt in the past so we create a cycle that ensures we won't be hurt again.  That's unfortunate but it gives us a false comfort.  It's false because our cycles do nothing but slowly destroy our lives.

We want true happiness, we want to move forward in life, we strive for any type of goal but we'll never get those things so long as we continue to live scared and remain in our cycles.

How can we break these cycles in our lives?  The first step is to make ourselves aware that our cycles exist.  Reflect on our lives over the years and notice the patterns that develop.  If we're having a hard time with this stage we should reach out to the people in our lives that know us best and ask their opinions and thoughts.  We may not like what they say and that's okay.  We won't like this process but it's necessary if we're going to truly live.
Once we've identified the cycle the next step is to understand why we created the cycle in the first place.  Was it because of a tragedy?  Was it a relationship gone bad?  The death of a loved one?  Was it because of something someone said to us once?  Was it the way we internalized our feelings over a specific situation?  Was it something from our childhood?  Figure out what happened that caused us to create this cycle and deal with the issue.  Get closure with the person if it's available.  We have to forgive the people involved and we have to forgive ourselves.  "It's not my fault".  We have to repeat those words everyday until we believe them.  The final step is identifying the actions, the feelings, and the thoughts that kept us trapped in the cycle and then change them.  We have to do the opposite of what has been comfortable for a time.  It will be challenging and uncomfortable but it's necessary.  If my issue is going out and partying with unhealthy people in the wrong places, then I'll have to spend a few weekends at home watching a movie.  Sure it will suck but it's what's needed to be healed and to move forward in life.

Understand that everyone at some point in their lives have been in the same situation that you find yourself in right now.  You can either fight, break the cycle, and live a wonderful life, or you can choose to remain in your cycle because you're afraid and deal with the unfortunate consequences.

Life isn't easy, it was never promised that it would be easy.  Life is challenging and tragic at times.  However, if we push forward and work through these cycles, life will become beautiful.  Just remember that every great story has great conflict.  Push forward, fight through this, and live a wonderful story.
 

How to Become Awesome

"The second is like it and is this, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:31 AMP)  "The second is this, You will love your neighbor as yourself . No other commandment is greater than these." (Mark 12:31 CEB) I like the Common English Bible because of how it words this verse.  Look at the different translations.  The Amplified says "You shall love..."  The Common English says "You will love..." Last year I was reading through the book of Mark when I came across this verse.  There are times when we read the Bible that specific verses will stand out.  When we read them our hearts will leap inside our chest.  That's what happened when I read verse 31.  I wondered, "If I'm loving my neighbor as much as I love myself, I hate a lot of people." I grew up always thinking lowly of myself.  I wasn't the most popular kid in school although I wasn't an outcast either.  I played different sports through high school.  I wasn't the worst player on the team but I wasn't the best either.  I guess through my life I've always been average.  Always just below the line of excellence yet above the line of you suck-ence.  You know, average.  This could have been one reason why I never really cared for myself.  I was always over weight, didn't go on many dates with the ladies, and stayed home most nights playing video games. As I got older I grew out of my shell.  I began losing weight and becoming more social.  This made me like myself and who I was a little more which gave me more of a positive outlook on life. How I view myself individually will be the filter in which I view the world around me.  If I hate myself then I will hate the world and constantly think things are getting worse around me.  If I love myself I will have a positive outlook on the world around me.  Although things could be falling apart, my view will be that of strength and determination to fix the issues. A few weeks ago I began going back to the gym and exercising along with eating healthier and getting a good night's sleep.  I noticed the positive results almost immediately.  I have tons of energy that last throughout the day.  I'm more confident than I've ever been and more relaxed around people.  I've noticed the positive results in my work and personal life.  I really love myself.  Where I used to make jokes about how much I sucked I now make jokes about how awesome I am. Is it wrong to be confident and think you're awesome?  Not at all.  I know churches for years have preached humility and how we need to be servants.  We need to be humble and we need to serve the church and humanity, but that doesn't mean we need to beat ourselves up and have a negative view of who we are.  We are princes and princesses.  We are the royalty of heaven and need to live from that understanding. When we hate ourselves, it forces those around us, for the most part, to treat us the same way we treat ourselves. George, a friend of mine is in leadership at his church.  George has a very negative view of himself.  He understands the principle of being royalty but he doesn't walk in that belief.  Because George lives with a negative view of his life it forces those in the church to treat him as such.  Instead of people telling him what a great job he is doing and encouraging him, they constantly ask him why the worship team is suffering.  A common conversation after the worship service is "What happened today?  The music was really bad."  The thing is, George is an awesome worship leader.  He is a talented worship leader who hears from the Lord and knows what needs to be done.  But when a little mistake happens during a song the people ridicule him about it.  This really messes with George and his confidence.   Let's imagine George has a different perspective of who he is.  George loves himself.  He is filled with self confidence and knows God has gifted him with the talent needed to lead worship.  When mistakes happen during songs, George laughs.  He doesn't care because he knows it was a simple mistake and that he's better than that.   After the worship service people begin telling him how awesome everything was. As for those that still point out his mistakes, George doesn't care because he is confident in himself and doesn't accept anyone's negative view of him. When I was down on myself, over weight, and self condemning, I would jokingly make fun of myself with friends.  I was the funny fat guy that could laugh at myself.  The problem was that I believed and internalized those "jokes" about myself.  I always pointed out my faults in public laughing about them but I would internalize those statements and beat myself up later. Now that I have grown to love myself and have confidence in who I am, even though I screw up sometimes, I don't care anymore.  Very simply because I know I'm awesome and I'm becoming more awesome every day. If I hate myself, think I suck, have zero confidence in who I am, I will only love others as much as I love myself.  I'll treat others the same way I treat myself. If I genuinely love myself and have confidence in who I am than I'll be able to love others in a passionate and healthy way.  If I don't love myself and I need to encourage someone else, I won't be able to because I won't know what to say.  If I don't like myself how could I ever teach someone else to be different than who I am?  Lately I've been a big advocate for the fruit in people lives.  You can tell yourself that you love yourself but if the fruit of your life shows you deal with self-loathing than you really don't love yourself.   At a different time in my life I went through the process of learning to love myself.  When that happened I had to deal with the death of my former self-loathing first.  I had to live through the darkness, pain, and tears of losing my self-loathing self.  I'm reminded of the verse that says "Joy comes in the morning."  And the Joy did come.  I walked through those nights of loneliness and then woke to the joy, love, and happiness that comes with loving myself.  Going back to the verses above.  The Common English Bible doesn't say "you should love your neighbor as yourself."  It says "you WILL love your neighbor as yourself."   Begin loving yourself the way Jesus loves you and know that you're awesome. -Cheers.