- Hello,
It has been awhile since I last spoke with You, for that I am sorry. I regret that I allowed myself to create distance between us, that I allowed myself to lose sight of the love that You have for me. It's funny how I often forget the importance of maintaining relationships when all I do is receive from them and not give. I come running back to You when I miss something, when I need something, when I am stuck. I don't run to You when things are running smoothly. When times are good I tell myself I'll connect with You later and I forsake the relationship we have. I treat you like the instruction manual for the TV. When the TV is working and I can watch the yankees game I don't need the manual. When the TV isn't working I open the instruction manual out of the drawer and flip through the pages until the TV is working again.
Have you ever referred to someone as your friend when the person was really only an acquaintance? Why am I asking You that question...of course You haven't. Well I have.
"Oh you know jimmy? Yea, he's a friend of mine." Jimmy is not a friend of mine, I've met him a few times. He is not a "friend". That's how I feel when I call you my Lover or my Friend. You are those things but I don't treat You like those things. I don't treat You like my Friend or my Lover. I treat You like my gum ball machine. Throw the quarter in and twist the knob hoping the color I want comes rolling out. What disappointment when the white gum ball rolls down instead of the blue one.
I cannot begin to imagine what You think of me when I pull this nonsense. When I call You do You think "Oh great, what does he need now?" I know You don't think that way but that's how I feel when I treat You this way. I know that's how I'd feel if You did this to me.
You told Peter to forgive and keep on forgiving. You inspired Paul to write that I should forgive and forgive and forgive the same people for hurting me the same ways. It's easy to forgive others, no problem there. Well, almost no problem. Why do I have such a hard time forgiving myself? Why do I struggle so much with grace for myself. I'm not saying I should let myself off the hook for constantly giving You the relationship middle finger because that's wrong and it's a slap in the face to You. But I struggle with forgetting my bad choices when it comes to our relationship. I'm talking like You don't already know all this...of course You already know this...it's You, You know everything.
What I have always found beautiful about You is that when I admit my screw ups, when I apologize for forsaking You, when I become open and honest with my faults, You almost immediately fill me with expectation, with joy, with hope, with happiness, with love, and with warmth. That's it right there, warmth.
You know where I live. I sometimes feel stupid talking to You like You don't already know everything about me, it's YOU! You know everything already. Heck, You read this letter before I even wrote it or thought about writing it. Anyways....
I live in Central New York. Autumn and winter can be rather cold and desolate here especially at night time when the temperature drops. Almost nothing beats curling up in front of the fire place and allowing the warmth of the fire to soak into your bones. There is a comfortable tranquility in those moments. That's how Your warmth feels, except more substantial and heavenly. I speak of heaven as if I know it so well. I speak of You as if I know You so well.
I wonder if I treat other people in my life the same way I treat You and our relationship. Do I also forsake other relationships I have? I don't think I do but I wonder how others feel by my actions and words. Do I use others like I use You? Who else do I need to apologize to?
I am sorry. I was wrong, I am wrong. I am sorry and I need You to forgive me. I don't need to feel this immediate forgiveness, well I do but I need to not just move past this screw up, I need to understand and grasp what I've done You wrong and correct the issue...I need to repent. That's kind of hard... But that's what I need to do.
Forgive me, I know You do, but forgive me anyways.
Your brother, Your son, Your servant, and hopefully Your friend,
Anthony.
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