The Disciple Whom Jesus Loves

After Jesus had said these things, He was troubled
(disturbed, agitated) in spirit and said, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, one of you will deliver Me up [one of you will be false to Me and betray Me]!  The disciples kept looking at one another, puzzled as to whom He could mean.  One of His disciples, whom Jesus loved [whom He esteemed and delighted in], was reclining [next to Him] on Jesus’ bosom.  So Simon Peter motioned to him to ask of whom He was speaking.  Then leaning back against Jesus’ breast, he asked Him, Lord, who is it?  Jesus answered, It is the one to whom I am going to give this morsel (bit) of food after I have dipped it. So when He had dipped the morsel of bread [into the dish], He gave it to Judas, Simon Iscariot’s son. (John 13:21-26 AMP)

In November I began listening to a series of CD's my sister had given me a year or so ago, The series was on the Fathers Love.  On one of the discs the speaker, Pastor George from Eagle Mountain Ministries, spoke about John and how John was "the disciple who Jesus loved."  When I heard Pastor George talk about "The disciple who Jesus loved" I was struck with a desire to learn why John held this title.  In my mind, John must have been the best disciple and I wanted to learn why.  
One of the main things the CD series showed me was how I had come to a place in my relationship with God where I knew I needed to understand the depth of His love for me.  In December my daily devotional reading brought me through the book of John.  John 13:21-26 really stood out to me.  I pictured myself as John, sitting at the dinner table and being so close in relationship to Jesus that I could rest my head on Jesus' shoulder.  

After I read through the book of John I began praying and asking God for this same relationship with Him.  I want such a deep relationship with The Father that I can rest my head on His shoulder, that I can fully know and experience the depth of His love.  I want my life to find its purpose and strength in His presence.  

Since I prayed for this deeper relationship I have experienced some interesting things happening in my life.  For the first few days I felt separated from Him, I couldn't feel His presence like I used to.  I began feeling a lack of motivation to study the Bible where typically I couldn't wait to read through the scriptures.
I began spending more time in prayer than I normally would, except I couldn't really pray, I could only cry and say "I'm sorry."  This lasted a few days.  
I talked about these feelings with a friend who suggested that God could be pulling away so I will press further towards Him, so I would go to the next level.  He referenced Luke 11:9-10, the "ask and keep on asking..." scripture.  I drove home from that conversation holding back tears, everything inside of me was desperate to see and feel Jesus.

For the last few nights, while I have been praying, I have felt the presence of something Heavenly in my room.  The sorrow I had been feeling in prayer has been changed to joy, instead of crying I have been laughing every time I begin to pray.  The other night while I was on my knees praying and laughing, The Lord began revealing some of the plans He has for my life.  
It literally felt like He was kneeling down next to me and whispering in my ear.  The feeling is difficult to explain entirely, it's like seeing a friend or family member you have not seen in a long time, but it's so much more than that.  It's like everything else fades away in those moments, like nothing else matters except being in that place at that time.

I may have a hard time explaining everything I am feeling and experiencing during these moments, but one thing I know for sure, God is working.  For the first time in my life I'm feeling His presence beyond the "Charismatic goosebumps".  My heart begins to beat faster, and my attention to the atmosphere in the room becomes more intense, it's awesome!  

I'll encourage you to ask Jesus for a deeper relationship with Him.  You are already "The disciple whom Jesus loves" you just need to walk in the reality of that relationship.