Waht is Lfie

I have always been a bit of a recluse. I enjoy hiding away in my most comfortable room, which recently has involved my computer and a television, and living life thru media. Sad I know. This is an art I have perfected thru years of self-loathing. When I feel like being adventurous I’ll drive down to the local gas station and pick up a pack of American Spirit Cigarette’s then head to Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts and grab a black coffee then I go back home. I used to go drive somewhere, travel down a familiar road until it becomes unfamiliar. Now I drive back home and watch MTV or play a video game or check out my Facebook page. My life is sad. What happened to spiritual adventurism? I’ve found my true self while seated in an office chair with my Maria on the desk in front of me. (Maria is my Mac). I do this so I can be myself. I found my true self in the loneliness of the Internet. Well, maybe not my TRUE self, it’s a self I am not around other people. Why is this? Why is human nature and life so screwed up that I cannot be myself in front of society? Even worse, I cannot be myself in church. I am afraid of what people will think of me. I am not sure what’s worse, the fact I care that people will judge me for who I am or the fact I care so much about what others think that I act differently. I have thought about this topic for some time. I was worried I would come off as the judge, the judge of the judge, then I realized it does not matter if other people judge me or think differently about me, the issue is within myself and the distance from my head to my heart.

So here is the first step. Are you ready? You know that little person living inside of us? (By us I meant me). The voice that tells us that person looks ugly, or respond this way, or get angry here, get defensive. It’s our knee-jerk reaction. Here comes the change. I need to kill the little man inside. I need to replace him with Jesus. As cliché as that sounds, and a little girly, it’s true. One thing I really love about Jesus is His delayed response to people. He did not always answer people’s questions directly after their question. I have lost the value of silence. I go out of my way to insure there is noise filled time. I may have jumped off topic. Maybe I am a better me when I am in front of people? Maybe I am the worst version of me when I am alone in noise. Hmm . . . . . I don’t know. Only Daddy does. I do know this. I am trying to be better. I have spent the last 4 years using trial and error as my guide. Always jumping with both feet in only to land on jagged rocks with my left foot and smooth sand with my right. Life is complicated, life is more than it seems, life is less than it seems. I suppose all I can do is wake up each morning and talk to Daddy. I do love Him. I am especially fond of Him. I would like to develop a better relationship with Daddy outside of church. I would like to know His heart and His mind.

Well, I am sorry if this seems a little jumbled. I was trying to keep on point with all my blogs (all two of them). I was trying to make sure they made some sort of sense. Whatever. I read a book where the Author told me to always write for myself and not for my reader. That’s what I’ll start to do. If it makes sense then I guess I did something right. If not, I don’t care and even better than that, I don’t care what you think. Hahaha. At lease not concerning me. Sort of. I do love you. Anyway. Praise Daddy. Love and peace to ALL. - A.T.