Allowing God To Know Me.

I have been reminded over the last few months about a sermon I heard from Kris Vallotton talking about and asking the question does The Father know you?  He uses the scripture where Jesus talks about those who will go before Him on judgement day and list all the great and spiritual endeavors they had completed while on earth but He would say to them "depart from Me for I knew you not."  The moral of the story is, does Jesus know you?  God in all of His love and power has limited Himself to the ability to only know the parts of me that I have allowed Him to know.  So if there are parts of my heart that I have left hidden from Him than there is no way for Him to truly and completely know me because I have kept those area's to myself and hidden them from His knowledge.  This speaks more to the relationship God desires to have with me and less about the notions of creation to creator.  

This morning I woke up around 5:00AM and went for a run, which is something I have not done in almost 2 years, along the beaches of San Diego.  I have been struggling lately, keeping certain things hidden from God, keeping area's of my heart hidden from Him because honestly I don't know what it looks like to offer up to Him the hidden parts of my heart, I don't know what it looks like to bring God my emotions and my heartache and have Him be a part of the healing process with me.  I know what it's like to chase after Him in prayer and study, I know what it's like to dream with Him in spiritual aspects,  and I know what it's like to fall away from Him and then come crawling back.  But I am beginning to wonder if I were able to invite Him into every single part of my life and heart if I would have fewer times of crawling back to Him broken and ashamed.  Prone to wonder, Lord I feel it.

I finished my run along the shore, the waves bringing pacific sea water to the edge of my bare feet with the occasional crashing and thrashing forward.  I stopped running and began walking along the shore and watched as a flock of birds came crashing down from the sky above and flying in unison as they hovered just inches above the face of the ocean looking for something to eat.  I turned to walk back to my hotel room and noticed the sun breaking from behind the clouds in brilliant splashes of reds and oranges and a little bit of purple too.  It was not a drastic sunrise, it was only the beginning of the morning experience in the sky.  I thought how nice it was to see the sunrise even for a moment but then I turned to walk back towards the hotel.

As I turned to walk inside I felt God lead me back to the sunrise saying "Son, turn around and watch the sunrise with me."  I stopped and watched as my Father painted the most beautiful picture just for me.  Like a lover opening her arms to hold me, like a deep and warm embrace, like the feelings of pure intimacy, I was able to turn and watch the sunrise with my Father and open up, even just a little more of my heart to Him.  I was able to invite Him into the questioning I had, invite Him into the pain I was feeling, I was able to invite Him deeper into my emotions and my fears.  I did not ask Him for help, I did not ask Him to heal me.  I shared myself with Him and then asked Him to forgive me for wondering so far away from His heart.  And right now as I write this I can acknowledge that I have treated Him like a lover I am upset with.  I have built the walls around my heart to keep Him from getting too much of me, I have held out my arm and kept Him at length.  

He is such a great lover, He never tries to smash down my walls or dishonor my heart but He gently stands by and waits for me to invite Him inside one step at a time.  He wants to know me and He chooses to wait for my heart to be ready instead of forcing His way inside and breaking me down through power and force.