"They who sow in tears shall reap in joy and singing." (Psalm 126:5 AMP)
I have been grieving lately. Grieving because of the feelings of despair and hopelessness I've found myself in over the last few weeks. I almost wish the pain I've been feeling was caused by some external source, caused by something I could not control. Unfortunately the pain I am experiencing was caused by myself. Not only did I cause this pain to happen but I saw what was happening before it happened. Like someone throwing a grenade directly at my feet. I could see them throwing the grenade at me but I couldn't do anything to get out of the way.
The details of what I did are not important to the story so I will spare them. What is important is that I made wrong, hateful, and stupid decisions which lead me to the place I find myself currently. It's hard to write that because I'm working on forgiving myself and allowing grace to permeate my heart.
Have you ever done something wrong, or has something ever happened to you, something inconvenient and hurtful and after it's happened you spend time thinking about everything and what you could have done differently to avoid the situation?
You get into a fender bender and you begin thinking "If only I wasn't running late and speeding to make my appointment on time this wouldn't have happened."
I'm sure most of you have done something like this before, I know I have. I am the king when it comes to thinking like this. I constantly over analyze things and beat myself up for making the wrong decisions.
I feel horrible when I've made wrong decisions, I grieve for however long it takes to come out of the pain. Typically, I go over the situation again and again until I feel I have identified what went wrong. When I feel I've determined what happened that caused me to act this way, rather, what happened that caused me to feel this pain I quickly apologize for what happened and attempt to forgive myself. What really happens is I don't truly forgive myself I simply acknowledge what happened and tell myself "Don't do that again." Because I am not really dealing with the issue and forgiving myself the issue still lingers in my life. The next time a similar situation arises I'll respond the exact way I did before causing myself to be thrust into the same pain and grief.
How do I genuinely deal with the issue? To be honest, I'm not exactly sure, though I have a feeling it has something to do with not rushing the grieving process and extending forgiveness to all the area's involved and persons involved until the problem has been eradicated.
We live in an age of instant gratification. With such inventions as the internet, the connivence store, and DVR, I have learned if I want something I can get it whenever I want. If I want something I can basically obtain what I want immediately. I don't have to wait long periods of time to get anything. Because I'm so conditioned for this instant gratification I have come to expect the same from all area's of my life. Unfortunately this doesn't work in all area's of life. I cannot rush the grieving process. I cannot rush or force myself into changing the unfortunate qualities I see inside my heart.
Psalms 126:5 says it best. What I sow now in grief, tears, and pain, I will reap in joy. It's necessary to grieve in order to experience happiness and joy. Happily ever after would not exist unless there wasn't a happily ever after. Unless there was pain, loss, grief, hurt, and sorrow there wouldn't be happiness, joy, love, hope, and vision.
I pray that my change is near. I pray that God reveals to me what has been buried in my heart that needs His love and my forgiveness to remove and heal.
I pray the situations and relationships I've caused brokenness within would be restored.
I pray to be transformed in His image and I know no matter what happens, if I allow Him to have His perfect way in my life I will change and joy will come.
The hardest part of this whole thing is realizing that I've made mistakes and then sitting patiently waiting for the grief to run its course and the change to take hold in my life. Again, I know if I don't wait patiently I will be doomed to repeat the same mistakes.
Cheers,
Anthony
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