What if things change?

Fear is an unfortunate and, far too often, a common motivator in my life.  I'm not talking about a fear of death, a fear of heights, or a fear of Alf, the completely evil alien who enjoyed eating cats.  No, I'm talking about a fear of what others think.

There are many things I have and have not done, many things I have and have not said because of a fear of how those actions or words would be interpreted by others.  It's a very unfortunate and tragic way to live a life but it's the way I've lived for some time.

It's actually funny that I act this way.  I've never been a man who likes to keep things bottled up.  Usually if I'm thinking or feeling something I have to let it out.  If something is bothering me I'll over think and over analyze the situation and then say something or do something about it.  However, there will still be that motivating factor of fear that eats away at my soul.  The "what if's" of life are what keep me awake and worried at nights and throughout my days.

I would imagine it's human nature to fear, to some extent, the "what if's" of life.

I am entirely a man of routine.  I wake up around the same time everyday, I get ready for work the same way every morning, I eat the same breakfast almost every morning (Multigrain bagel and a large coffee).  Routine makes me feel safe and secure and when that routine gets disturbed it takes me some time to re-adjust and become comfortable with the changes.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, and motivating the way I live my life, is the concern "what if things change?"  It's really what drives me to not evolve.  I don't want things to change in my life, I'm comfortable where I am.  That is until recently.

I wonder what the difference is between myself and the more influential people of world history.  I'm sure there are a lot of differences between myself and say, Martin Luther.  But I'd like to imagine that the main difference is this.  I ask the question "what if things change?" and Martin Luther asked the question "what if things stay the same?"

See, for the world changers throughout history they saw the circumstances and mind sets that needed to be changed and feared that things would always stay the same if they didn't rise to the occasion.  What if they didn't defend themselves and their convictions?  What if Martin Luther didn't make his stand?  What if his fear of what people would say or do to him straggled the life out of his writing the 95 theses?  These are legitimate fears that I'm sure everyone deals with in life.  The world changers observe these fears and say "what if things stay the same?"  I observe these fears and say "what if things change?"

I've seen in my life, and far too often, that when I am departed from God these fears become louder and more substantial in my thinking.  When I am closer to God these fears tend to quiet down.  When I'm closer to God in relationship the questions changes from "what if things change?"  to "what if things stay the same?"

I'm not a fan of New Years Resolutions so I won't pretend to make any for myself.  However, if there was one thing I would hope to accomplish in my life in the coming year, it would be to quiet the voice and influence of fear in my life and to have the question appear more often "what if things stay the same?"

- Cheers,

~ Anthony.