Trusting and marriage

I'm beginning to wonder if I am having issues trusting God in my life. In a similar fashion, the older I get the more the thought of marriage terrifies me. Which, for most of my ex girlfriends and arguably my close family members, is a shocking statement. I grew up romanticizing marriage and the wonderful thoughts of happily ever after. When I was younger I spent a bit of time in front of the television screen. I was peculiar compared to the children around my own age. I enjoyed playing sports and going on the occasional wild adventures of boys born in Kentucky but I also enjoyed movies like Sleepless in Seattle. In fact I really enjoyed these kinds of movies. I watched them over and over again until I knew the entire film by heart, until I was able to get into the mind set of the characters. At the time I didn't feel like this was something most children didn't do, I really didn't care much what anyone thought of me. I was only a child and the superficial ways of the world had not had chance to infect my thinking. So I continued down the path of romantic love stories and the dreams of one day being married to my queen. This thought of growing up, falling in love, getting married, and then living the rest of my life, seemed like everything to me. I used to say "you get married and then life begins." I had wonderful inner images of women, of love, of trust, of sharing life with someone else in the most intimate of ways. It's amazing how much those old thoughts of mine have changed over the years. I was a teenager when I had my first official girlfriend. I had a difficult time distinguishing between the normal emotions of having a girlfriend or of infatuation and real love. I'd like to tell you that I overcame those issues of early love when I was a teenager, unfortunately I cannot. I very often confused real love with real lust or simple infatuation. That confusion led to a few years of heartache and pain. I would begin a new relationship with someone of the opposite sex and after about a week I would begin to consider marriage. Very troubling, I know. I held some relationships that lasted a good stretch of time while others did not last very long. One of the women I dated was not as faithful as I would have appreciated. It's amazing how your entire outlook on life can change when you've been cheated on in a relationship. The sky was no longer blue and the grass was no longer green. The sky and the grass were lying to me, trying to get me to trust them, but I knew better. I couldn't tell you exactly what color the sky or the grass was but I knew they were lying about whatever color they said they were. As I grow older and spend more time in my relationship with God and I read more and more about Him in the Bible I want to trust Him, I know I can trust Him. It's written in front of me in black and white and sometimes red. The words are "Whatever you ask of Me in My name I will do it for you." Yet I ask and I do not receive. What's hard to comprehend is that I do not understand God. That terrifies me. I've developed such strong beliefs and understandings of who He is based on my life experiences, what I've read, what I've felt, what others have told me, and what others have and have not done. Yet all those beliefs I have of Him are wrong, they betray truth and reality and leave me wondering when the day will come that I will understand it all. It's like I built this beautiful image of God, or what I considered to be beautiful. I build Him up in my mind. I thought if I said the secret words, if I prayed the secret prayer, if my thoughts were perfect and pure, if I gave the right amount of money to Him then He would be willing to give me whatever I wanted. "the desires of my heart" right? It's not that God cheated on me. But the image I created, the god I created cheated on me. The god I created didn't come through when I needed him. However the real God was there the whole time and He was waiting to bring down my false image of who He is. It's hard to really love something you don't understand. Usually what you don't understand you will fear. Maybe that's it. I'm not supposed to understand God. I'm supposed to love and fear Him. Life doesn't begin when you get married just like it doesn't begin when you understand God. you'll never understand God, at least not in this lifetime and not completely. You'll probably get married but that won't begin life it will just add a character to your story and begin a new chapter. Just like the more we gain knowledge of who God is the more we develop as characters in our stories. So am I having trouble trusting God? I'm having trouble trusting the god I think I know, which is looking more and more like something different than the real God I am beginning to know. Am I terrified of marriage? A few months ago I was thinking that I'll come to know my future wife, at least I'll think I know her, and then one day that knowing will be turned upside down. Today, I'm thinking that no matter what revelations of knowledge come to me, no matter what happens, I'll have to trust. Just like I have to trust God even though I don't completely understand or fully know Him.